BEMA Episode Link: 241: Becky Solomon — Don’t Exasperate Your Kids
Episode Length: 52:40
Published Date: Thu, 14 Oct 2021 01:00:00 -0700
Session 6
About this episode:

Marty Solomon and Brent Billings discuss the state of the podcast, and then Marty is joined by Becky Solomon to talk about parenting.

Discussion Video for BEMA 241

“How 936 Pennies Will Forever Change How You Parent” — Eryn Lynum

Transcript for BEMA 241

Special Guest: Becky Solomon.

Notes

*Note: The following notes are handwritten by me, Adam, and I reserve the right to be wrong.

BEMA 241: Becky Solomon — Don’t Exasperate Your Kids

Title & Source Summary

Episode: 241 - Becky Solomon — Don’t Exasperate Your Kids Hosts: Marty Solomon and Becky Solomon (guest) Focus: Ephesians 6:1-4, Colossians 3:20-21, Biblical parenting principles

This episode explores biblical parenting through the lens of Pauline literature, specifically examining the instruction “Fathers, do not exasperate your children.” Marty and his wife Becky discuss how Christian parenting differs from Roman hierarchical models, emphasizing nurturing and nourishing children rather than provoking or smothering them. The conversation offers practical wisdom on raising children to love themselves, love Jesus, and grow into their God-given identity without being crushed by religious expectations.

Key Takeaways

  • You already have everything you need to be a great parent - insecurity and fear lead to the greatest parenting mistakes
  • Biblical parenting is about partnership and mutuality, not top-down hierarchy
  • The goal of parenting is to nourish and nurture, not to exasperate or provoke
  • Make sure your children don’t hate themselves and don’t hate Jesus
  • Model humility, saying sorry, and emotional health for your children
  • Invite children to the table of faith rather than smothering them with religious expectations
  • Children are watching how you treat your spouse and other family members
  • Parenting out of fear leads to reactionary behavior; parent into who you want to be, not away from what you don’t want to be
  • Your job as a parent is to help your children see their true identity and who they are created to be
  • Time with your children is limited and precious - invest it wisely

Main Concepts & Theories

Roman vs. Christian Household Order

In the Roman world, household codes (instructions for family life) always flowed from bottom to top - from slaves to masters, children to parents, wives to husbands. There was never reciprocal instruction going the other direction. This maintained the hierarchical power structure of the empire.

Paul’s household codes in Ephesians and Colossians were countercultural because they included mutual responsibilities. While children should obey parents, fathers also had obligations to not exasperate or embitter their children. This represented a radical shift from imperial household management to kingdom partnership.

The Roman philosopher Cicero once gave a speech comparing the empire to a body, where the Senate was the stomach and all other body parts depended on it. Paul’s body imagery in 1 Corinthians was different - emphasizing mutual dependence and the importance of every part, not just top-down hierarchy.

The Meaning of “Don’t Exasperate”

Ephesians 6:4 - “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”

  • Exasperate (Greek: parorgizo) - to arouse to wrath, to provoke, to irritate
  • Bring them up (Greek: ektrepho) - to nourish, to nourish to maturity, to nurture

Colossians 3:21 - “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.”

  • Embitter (Greek: erethizo) - to stir up, to stimulate, to provoke
  • Discouraged (Greek: athumeō) - disheartened, dispirited, broken in spirit

These passages teach that parenting should not break a child’s spirit or provoke them to anger. Instead, it should nourish them like watering a plant, cultivating soil, and providing what they need to grow and bear fruit.

Parenting as Partnership

Christian parenting is not about maintaining hierarchy but engaging in a mutual relationship. While the parent-child distinction remains (you’re still the parent), there’s a sense of “we’re in this together.” Both parent and child are learning and growing. The parent disciplines the child while also disciplining themselves.

This partnership means seeing the full humanity of your children - they are people, young people, little people, but people nonetheless. The goal is to call out of them who they truly are, to help them see their God-given identity.

Core Parenting Goals

Marty identifies three central objectives for parenting:

  1. Make sure your children don’t hate themselves - In a world of screens, social media, and cultural messages about beauty and significance, children will naturally tend toward self-hatred if left to themselves. Parents must be voices fighting the cultural narrative, nourishing and building up their children’s sense of self-worth.

  2. Make sure your children don’t hate Jesus - Christian families often become so passionate about making their children believers that they end up making them hate Jesus through endless expectations and religious morality. When children hear the name Jesus, they should think of love, acceptance, rest, and belonging - not exasperation.

  3. Make sure your children see you love your spouse honestly and vulnerably - This includes demonstrating a relationship “full of mistakes that fall into a net of humility.” Children need to see parents say sorry, ask for forgiveness, and lift each other up.

The Danger of Parenting from Fear and Insecurity

Fear and insecurity drive poor parenting decisions. This goes back to Genesis - sin arises because of fear and insecurity. When parents fear they’re not parenting well enough, they make their greatest mistakes.

Parenting out of fear means:

  • Reacting to what you don’t want to be (how your parents raised you) rather than moving toward what you do want to be
  • Letting your religion, church, or cultural expectations parent your children instead of letting their full humanity and the person of Jesus guide you
  • Smothering children with “good things” until they can’t breathe and just want to escape
  • Constant correction and prohibition: “Don’t do this, don’t do that, make sure you don’t screw that up”

When parents wear the lenses of their insecurity, there’s no clarity. But when they focus on their children’s full humanity and identity as God created them, clarity comes.

The Investment Metaphor

Becky shares a visual reminder they use: jars with pennies representing each week of their children’s lives until age 18. Every Sunday, they move one penny from each child’s jar to an “investments” jar, prompting the question: “Did I invest in my children well this week?”

This practice acknowledges that:

  • Time is limited and precious
  • Every week contains wins and losses, but wins generally outweigh losses
  • Average is actually a parenting win
  • Pennies (weeks) can be invested or lost in the couch cushions
  • God’s grace covers the multitude of mistakes and tongue-slips

The metaphor emphasizes that withdrawn pennies aren’t lost - they’re invested in building children into who God created them to be.

Bar/Bat Mitzvah and Choice

At 13 years old (Bar/Bat Mitzvah - “son/daughter of the commandment”), children in the Jewish tradition take Torah upon themselves. Marty views this as the age when his children will have their own choice about faith.

The goal isn’t to smother them with Torah walk, laws, and rules. Instead, it’s to model it so well that when they get the choice, they’ll choose it because:

  • They experienced it as something good
  • The table was set with good things
  • They were taught how to come to the table and want the table
  • It was something they got to choose, not something forced upon them
Normalizing Healthy Patterns

Children pick up on what’s “normal” based on what they see. If the following are normal in your home, children will assume that’s what normal is and live into it:

  • Saying “I’m sorry” without hating yourself
  • Critical thinking
  • Ability to say “I was wrong”
  • Overcoming guilt and shame
  • Going to therapy
  • Emotional health

If these aren’t demonstrated, children won’t know how to do them and will have to learn later in life (as many adults have had to do).

Examples & Applications

Real-World Parenting Moments

The Half-Empty Jar Reality - Becky shares that her children are now almost 13 and 11, meaning their penny jars are more than half empty. This visual reminder prompts the question: “Am I investing in my children well?” It provides perspective that transforms daily struggles into opportunities for intentional investment.

Modeling Marriage - Marty and Becky are “super sarcastic” with each other, which their children are now old enough to notice. They hope their children understand the relational dynamic and see healthy patterns like:

  • How parents talk to and interact with each other
  • Mutual respect despite teasing
  • Recovery from mistakes
  • Vulnerability and honesty

The Bacon Double Cheeseburger Example - There won’t be bacon double cheeseburgers in their kosher home, but if their kids choose to order them when out with friends after age 13, that’s their choice. The goal is to make the family’s faith practices something the children want to choose based on positive experience, not rebel against due to being smothered.

Parenting the Rambunctious Son - Marty admits his son constantly pushes his buttons, and he feels he’s always “on him.” He recognizes one of his biggest regrets is how often he breaks his son’s spirit when the boy is just trying to have fun or engage. This self-awareness demonstrates the importance of recognizing where we exasperate our children.

Generational Differences

Marty notes he’ll probably never see his parents’ generation go to therapy due to stigma around mental health. He hopes his children see him and Becky model emotional health and seeking help because he wants them to see those things as normal.

The Daily Reminder Pattern

Becky emphasizes the need to call out identity and worth repeatedly, not just once. She appreciates when Marty reminds her daily “You’re beautiful” because she’ll forget and become insecure again. A reminder from “last year” isn’t enough - people need frequent affirmation of who they are.

Letting Religion Parent Your Children

In fundamentalist, conservative, Evangelical subcultures, Marty observes parents often exasperate their kids “in the name of Christ.” They have all the right beliefs and good intentions but end up smothering children with goodness - not the fun kind of smothering in a bouncy ball house, but the suffocating kind where they can’t breathe.

This doesn’t mean the alternative is a free-for-all. It means seeing children as people, calling out who they are, and inviting them into something good rather than creating an overbearing, oppressive presence of Christ.

Potential Areas for Further Exploration

  1. Deeper Exegesis of Ephesians 6 and Colossians 3 - What is the fuller context of the household codes? How do they function within Paul’s overall theological framework? How do they relate to the “in Christ” identity he emphasizes?

  2. Ancient Near Eastern Family Structures - How did ancient Jewish family life compare to Roman household structures? What was Jesus’ own teaching on family relationships?

  3. The Psychology of Child Development - How does modern developmental psychology align with or inform these biblical principles? What do we know about how children develop identity and self-worth?

  4. Spiritual Abuse in Christian Homes - What are the warning signs of religious abuse of children? How can parents distinguish between healthy spiritual formation and harmful indoctrination?

  5. Cross-Cultural Parenting Perspectives - How do different cultures approach the balance between authority and nurture? What can we learn from non-Western parenting models?

  6. Gender and Parenting - Why does Paul address “fathers” specifically in these passages? What does this mean for mothers? How should we understand gender roles in parenting today?

  7. The Theology of Children - What is a child’s standing before God? At what point do they become morally responsible? How do we understand salvation and discipleship for children?

  8. Discipleship vs. Parenting - How is parenting similar to or different from other forms of discipleship? Can we apply these principles to mentoring relationships outside the family?

  9. Bar/Bat Mitzvah Practices - What is the fuller history and theology of this Jewish tradition? How might Christian families adapt or incorporate similar rites of passage?

  10. Recovery from Poor Parenting - How can adults who were exasperated or embittered by their own parents find healing? How can the cycle be broken?

Comprehension Questions

  1. How did Roman household codes differ from the Christian household codes presented in Ephesians and Colossians? What made Paul’s teaching countercultural?

  2. What does the Greek word translated “exasperate” or “embitter” mean, and what does the word translated “bring them up” mean? How does understanding these original meanings change how we think about parenting?

  3. According to Marty, what are the three main goals he has as a parent? Why does he consider these the most important objectives?

  4. What does it mean to “parent out of fear” versus parenting from a place of security? Give examples of what each might look like in practice.

  5. How does the “penny jar” practice help parents maintain perspective on their time with children? What is the significance of moving pennies from individual jars to the “investments” jar?

Summary

This episode presents a compelling vision of biblical parenting that challenges common Christian approaches. Rather than top-down hierarchy modeled after empire, Christian parenting reflects the mutuality and partnership of the kingdom of God. The central biblical instruction is clear: don’t exasperate, embitter, or provoke your children; instead, nourish and nurture them.

Marty and Becky emphasize that parents already have everything they need - the greatest mistakes come from fear and insecurity. The goal isn’t to produce perfectly behaved religious children but to help children see their true identity, ensuring they don’t hate themselves or hate Jesus. This requires modeling healthy patterns: saying sorry, showing vulnerability, demonstrating emotional health, and loving your spouse well.

The danger in religious households is smothering children with good things until they can’t breathe. Instead, parents should set a table full of good things and invite children to it in such a way that when they reach the age of choice (around 13, mirroring Bar/Bat Mitzvah), they actually want to choose it.

Time is limited - only about 936 weeks from birth to age 18. While there will be mistakes and moments you wish you could take back, God’s grace covers those failures. The pennies aren’t lost; they’re invested in building your children into who God created them to be. Parent with intention, nourish rather than provoke, and trust that you have what you need to raise children who love themselves, love Jesus, and know they are deeply loved.

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