S6 243: Spiritual Abuse — The Place We Find Ourselves
Definitions and Symptoms of Spiritual Abuse [47:04]
Episode Length: 47:04
Published Date: Thu, 28 Oct 2021 01:00:00 -0700
Session 6
About this episode:
Marty Solomon and Brent Billings reflect on a conversation between Rachel Clinton Chen and Adam Young that provided some helpful notes to illuminate the journey into the world of spiritual abuse.
The Place We Find Ourselves 89: Spiritual Abuse
Spiritual Abuse Archives — The Allender Center
Notes
*Note: The following notes are handwritten by me, Adam, and I reserve the right to be wrong.
BEMA 243: Spiritual Abuse - The Place We Find Ourselves - Study Notes
Title & Source Summary
Episode: BEMA 243: Spiritual Abuse - The Place We Find Ourselves Hosts: Marty Solomon and Brent Billings Focus: Understanding spiritual abuse, its definitions, symptoms, and implications for individuals and communities
This episode reflects on a conversation between Rachael Clinton Chen and Adam Young from The Place We Find Ourselves podcast. Marty and Brent explore the nature of spiritual abuse, how it manifests in religious communities, why victims often cannot recognize it while experiencing it, and how both victims and perpetrators can approach this topic with humility and a desire for healing and justice.
Key Takeaways
- Spiritual abuse is the use of spiritual power or authority to coerce, shame, or bring harm, exploiting God’s authority to manipulate and control bodies, relationships, autonomy, and personhood.
- Spiritual abuse can occur at any level of church hierarchy, from senior pastors to small group participants, wherever power dynamics exist.
- Victims often do not recognize spiritual abuse while experiencing it, sometimes only recognizing it years or even decades after leaving the situation.
- Fear and shame are primary fuels for spiritual abuse, creating physiological reactions that keep people trapped in harmful systems.
- Good intentions do not excuse spiritual abuse - purity culture is cited as an example of well-intentioned movements that caused significant harm.
- The question “Can you question this?” is one of the most important indicators of whether a community is healthy or potentially abusive.
- Power itself is not the problem; the issue is how power is used - to control and take away, or to equip and give away.
- Three biblical principles should guide engagement with this topic: act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly (Micah 6:8).
- Some people will need to leave situations to heal, some will need to stay to help change destructive systems, and some leaders will need to repent and fundamentally change how they lead.
Main Concepts & Theories
Definition of Spiritual Abuse
Rachael Clinton Chen provides a comprehensive definition: Spiritual abuse is “the use of spiritual power or authority to coerce, shame or bring harm. It’s an exploitation of God’s authority to manipulate and control bodies, relationships, autonomy and personhood.”
This definition highlights four key areas of control:
- Bodies - physical control, including sexual abuse
- Relationships - controlling who people can associate with, date, or marry
- Autonomy - removing people’s ability to think for themselves
- Personhood - robbing people of their full humanity and self-determination
The Scope of Spiritual Abuse
Spiritual abuse is not limited to senior leadership positions. It can manifest anywhere power dynamics exist, including:
- Small group settings where one person is more educated or articulate
- Parent-child relationships where God is weaponized
- Mentoring relationships where authority is misused
- Any situation where someone leverages age, experience, education, personality, or position to spiritually manipulate others
The Role of Fear and Shame
Spiritual abuse is fundamentally fueled by fear and shame, which are not merely mental abstractions but real physiological experiences. Victims learn that questioning beliefs or authority will result in being cut off from community, family, or even God. This creates physical reactions - a pit in the stomach, recoiling, even nausea - that reinforce compliance and silence.
The Invisibility Problem
One of the most insidious aspects of spiritual abuse is that victims often cannot recognize it while experiencing it. Recognition typically comes years or decades after leaving the situation, when new experiences and perspectives provide the lens to see what happened. This delay occurs because:
- The abuse strips away autonomy and the ability to trust oneself
- Identity becomes deeply intertwined with the abusive community
- The system provides belonging and meaning, making it difficult to leave
- Trauma depletes the ego strength needed to venture out on one’s own
The Misuse of Scripture
A specific example discussed is the misuse of Jeremiah 17:9, “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.” This verse is frequently ripped from context and used to teach people not to trust themselves but to trust the system, institution, or person in authority. This directly contradicts other biblical teachings about the heart, conscience, and the Spirit’s guidance within believers.
Rachael Chen notes that “Jesus never forces or uses His power to direct people.” Jesus typically asks permission or responds to requests, respecting people’s personhood and humanity. He does not posture against people, unlike the Pharisees and others who use their position to control.
The Power Dynamics
Power is the central word associated with spiritual abuse. However, power itself is not inherently problematic - it is a natural byproduct of various life dynamics (parent-child, teacher-student, pastor-congregant). The critical question is: What do we do with power?
Two uses of power:
- Destructive: Using power to control, manipulate, shame, coerce, and strip others of humanity
- Constructive: Using power to equip, lift up, empower, and give more to others
The amount of power someone holds should be proportional to the accountability structures around them. Greater power requires greater accountability to prevent abuse.
Theological Systems and Belonging
Adam Young observes that “a theological system is an ordering of the cosmos and your place in it.” This explains why such systems are so powerful even when wrong - they offer the promise of belonging and significance. Humans have a deep desire to belong to something that gives identity, meaning, and purpose.
Cultic and abusive systems exploit this need by providing a sense of belonging and healing fragmentation through dogma and “orthodoxy” that must not be questioned. The system becomes the source of identity, making it nearly impossible to separate one’s faith in Jesus from participation in the community.
Purity Culture as a Case Study
Marty discusses purity culture from the 1980s and 1990s as an example of well-intentioned spiritual abuse. The movement aimed to preserve the sacredness of sexuality and marriage, but the theology and execution:
- Stripped girls and women of autonomy
- Treated women as objects
- Imposed morality without equal accountability for men
- Created harm that is now being documented in books about its psychological damage
This illustrates that good intentions do not excuse abuse, and harm caused - even unintentionally - still requires justice, mercy, and humility in response.
The Role of Self-Doubt
A key symptom of spiritual abuse is the perpetuation of self-doubt. If a system, community, or relationship constantly fosters the message “don’t trust yourself,” this is a red flag. Healthy spirituality includes trusting one’s gut, conscience, and the Spirit’s work within, even if these are not infallible.
Rachael notes: “Our gut is a truth-teller. It doesn’t mean that it’s perfect… but we have to understand that we can trust this sense of, ‘There’s something off. There’s something wrong here.’”
Scapegoating and Tribal Identity
Spiritual abuse often involves scapegoating those who question, doubt, or “backslide.” Rather than seeing people as beloved human beings worthy of love (friends, neighbors, even enemies), abusive systems create in-groups and out-groups. Those who ask questions are named “bad,” “dirty,” or “dangerous,” and become threats to be expelled rather than individuals to be loved.
This connects to spiral dynamics (mentioned but not extensively explored), where lower levels of spiritual development emphasize tribal identity preservation through exclusion and scapegoating.
Examples & Applications
Personal Story: The Counseling Relationship
Brent shares a story about a woman who went to a Christian counselor who gradually crossed boundaries over four years - sitting next to her instead of across from her, putting his arms around her, eventually expressing fantasies about running away with her. The woman kept thinking, “This seems weird but he knows what he’s doing. He’s a trained counselor.” She couldn’t trust her gut because she didn’t feel she had the authority to question someone in a position of power.
Prophecy Without Permission
Brent describes an experience from his youth where someone wanted to “prophesy over” him in a small group setting. He didn’t understand what was happening and felt uncomfortable and confused. Marty responds that regardless of the theological debate about spiritual gifts, the problematic element was the lack of respect for Brent’s personhood, autonomy, and whether he was inviting such interaction. This illustrates how spiritual abuse can occur in seemingly minor interactions where someone’s humanity is not fully respected.
The Small Group Power Dynamic
Even in a small group where no one is officially the leader, spiritual abuse can occur. Someone with a Bible college degree, Type A personality, or who is more articulate and well-read can lord their education and experience over others who are not as equipped. Any position of authority - whether from education, experience, age, or even “relevance” - can be exploited to manipulate and coerce.
Rachael’s Personal Journey
Rachael Clinton Chen becomes emotional in the podcast episode when she shares: “I realized that I want to bring this conversation to people because I needed people to bring it to me.” She describes being in a religious system where she thought, “I could probably do without much of this community but I don’t want to lose Jesus.” Her identity with Jesus was so intertwined with the community that she couldn’t imagine separating the two.
This parallels physically abusive relationships where the victim stays because “this is all I know about life, this is all I know about relationships.” The codependence makes leaving feel like losing everything.
Using the Pulpit as a Weapon
Marty asks listeners to honestly consider: “Have you ever used a pulpit, a chance to lead a youth group lesson, a one-on-one discipleship where you are the one facilitating - have you ever used any of these things to manipulate, to coerce, to shame? Have you ever purposely leveled a sermon at people that you knew just had the right amount of sting to it?”
This challenges leaders to examine their own practices and recognize how easily spiritual authority can be weaponized.
The BEMA Approach: Questions Welcome
Marty and Brent emphasize that one of BEMA’s four pillars is wrestling and questioning. They explicitly encourage listeners to question them, to disagree, to voice their own experiences. They want to create spaces where no question is off-limits, because the inability to question is a hallmark of spiritual abuse.
They acknowledge that family members have expressed concern that BEMA sounds like a cult, which led to conversations about what constitutes a cult versus a community that invites people into autonomous thinking and faith expression.
Potential Areas for Further Exploration
Spiral Dynamics and Spiritual Development
The episode mentions spiral dynamics and different levels of spiritual development, particularly how lower levels emphasize tribal identity and scapegoating. Further study could explore how spiritual communities can evolve through these stages and what healthy progression looks like.
The Theology of Power in Scripture
A deeper examination of how power is portrayed throughout Scripture - in the Old Testament, in Jesus’ ministry, in the early church - could provide a more robust theology of power that informs how contemporary leaders should wield authority.
Accountability Structures in Church Leadership
The episode touches on how power should be proportional to accountability structures. Research into effective accountability models, governance structures, and flat leadership hierarchies could provide practical guidance for churches.
Gender Dynamics in Spiritual Abuse
While purity culture is mentioned, there is much more to explore regarding how patriarchal systems uniquely impact women, how gender-based spiritual abuse manifests, and how egalitarian approaches can prevent such abuse.
Trauma-Informed Ministry
Understanding the physiological and psychological impact of spiritual abuse requires knowledge of trauma responses. Exploring trauma-informed approaches to ministry, counseling, and church leadership could help communities become safer spaces.
The Process of Leaving and Healing
For those who need to leave spiritually abusive situations to heal, what does that process look like? What resources, communities, and practices support healing from spiritual trauma?
Reforming vs. Leaving Institutions
The episode mentions that some need to stay to reform destructive systems while others need to leave to heal. Further exploration of when institutions are worth reforming versus when they are beyond redemption would be valuable.
The Allender Center Resources
Marty mentions the Allender Center’s work on spiritual abuse. While he didn’t find all episodes equally helpful, exploring their comprehensive approach could provide additional frameworks and tools.
Rob Bell, The Liturgists, and Controversial Resources
Marty acknowledges there are excellent resources on these topics but hesitates to link them because of controversy. Engaging with these resources critically and discerningly could provide valuable insights despite disagreements in other areas.
Biblical Examples of Questioning Authority
A study of biblical figures who questioned religious authority (prophets challenging kings and priests, Jesus confronting Pharisees, Paul confronting Peter) could provide scriptural support for healthy questioning and resistance to spiritual abuse.
Comprehension Questions
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According to Rachael Clinton Chen’s definition, what are the four key areas that spiritual abuse seeks to control? Explain how each represents a violation of human dignity.
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Why do victims often fail to recognize spiritual abuse while experiencing it, and what typically must happen before they can see the situation clearly? What role does belonging play in this dynamic?
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Marty uses purity culture as an example of well-intentioned spiritual abuse. How does this example demonstrate that good intentions do not excuse harmful outcomes? What responsibility do leaders have when their well-intentioned actions cause harm?
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What is the difference between destructive and constructive uses of power? Provide examples from your own experience or observation of each type of power usage in religious contexts.
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The episode identifies several symptoms or warning signs of spiritual abuse, including the inability to question, perpetuation of self-doubt, and a fragile/punitive view of God. Why are these symptoms particularly effective at keeping people trapped in abusive systems? How might recognizing these symptoms help someone assess their own community?
Personalized Summary
This episode on spiritual abuse addresses an often-overlooked but critically important aspect of church life and religious communities. The definition provided by Rachael Clinton Chen is comprehensive: spiritual abuse exploits God’s authority to control people’s bodies, relationships, autonomy, and personhood. What makes this topic so challenging is that spiritual abuse can occur at any level - not just from senior pastors but in small groups, mentoring relationships, or anywhere power dynamics exist.
Perhaps the most sobering insight is that victims typically cannot recognize spiritual abuse while experiencing it. The abuse itself strips away the very autonomy and self-trust needed to identify and escape the situation. Fear and shame become physiological experiences that keep people compliant, and the deep human need for belonging makes it nearly impossible to separate faith in Jesus from participation in the abusive community.
The episode emphasizes that power itself is not the problem - power is a natural part of human relationships. The critical question is what we do with power. Do we use it to control and take away, or to equip and give away? Leaders must have accountability structures proportional to their power, and they must be willing to examine how they might be participating in subtle forms of manipulation and coercion.
Marty’s framework of act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly (Micah 6:8) provides the posture needed to engage this difficult topic. Some leaders will need to repent and fundamentally change their practices. Some victims will need to leave to heal. Some will need to stay to help reform systems. But all must approach this conversation without defensiveness, recognizing that examining our participation in spiritual abuse - whether as perpetrators or victims - is part of the journey toward greater wholeness and a healthier expression of church.
The most important practical takeaway is the question: “Can you question this?” Healthy spiritual communities make room for wrestling, disagreement, and authentic questioning. When questions are forbidden or met with threats of exclusion, a red flag has been raised. Creating spaces where no question is off-limits and where people’s personhood and autonomy are fully respected is essential to preventing spiritual abuse and fostering genuine spiritual formation.
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