BEMA Episode Link: 46: Song of Sexuality
Episode Length: 33:11
Published Date: Thu, 05 Oct 2017 01:00:00 -0700
Session 2
About this episode:

Marty Solomon and Brent Billings look at the underaddressed book called Song of Songs and explore the ramifications of avoiding the topic of sexuality.

Discussion Video for BEMA 46

Sex God by Rob Bell

NOOMA 002: Flame by Rob Bell

The Zimzum of Love by Rob and Kristen Bell

Transcript for BEMA 46

Notes

*Note: The following notes are handwritten by me, Adam, and I reserve the right to be wrong.

BEMA Episode 46: Song of Sexuality - Study Notes

Title & Source Summary

This episode provides an in-depth exploration of the Song of Songs (also called Song of Solomon), addressing it as part of the wisdom literature collection. Marty Solomon discusses the book’s explicit sexual content, its placement within the Hebrew Bible’s structure, and the church’s historical reluctance to engage with healthy sexuality discussions. The episode challenges listeners to reconsider how Christian communities approach sexuality - moving beyond moralistic rules toward holistic, biblical understanding of erotic love within marriage.

Key Takeaways

  • Song of Songs is sexually explicit literature that belongs in the Ketuvim (Writings) section of Hebrew scripture, specifically within the Hamesh Megillot (five scrolls)
  • Young Jewish boys were historically prohibited from reading Song of Songs until reaching marital age due to its erotic content
  • The Christian church has largely failed to teach healthy sexuality, focusing almost exclusively on moral codes (dos and don’ts) rather than holistic discipleship
  • Human sexuality cannot be separated from spirituality, psychology, and physicality - we are holistic beings
  • Three Hebrew words describe different dimensions of romantic love: rayah (poetic infatuation), ahava (committed love), and dowd (erotic/sexual love)
  • All three types of love are designed to work together simultaneously in marriage; dysfunction occurs when one is missing
  • Western culture has created an extended adolescence that conflicts with human biological design, creating sexual tensions the church has failed to acknowledge
  • Healthy erotic sexuality within marriage is beautiful, God-designed, and should be celebrated rather than avoided in Christian teaching

Main Concepts & Theories

Structure of Hebrew Scripture

The Hebrew Bible is divided into three main sections:

  1. Torah - The Books of Moses (first five books)
  2. Nevi’im - The Prophets
  3. Ketuvim - The Writings

Within the Ketuvim, there are three subsections:

  • Poetic books: Psalms, Proverbs, Job
  • Hamesh Megillot (Five Scrolls): Song of Songs, Ruth, Lamentations, Ecclesiastes, Esther
  • Other books: Daniel, Nehemiah, Chronicles

Song of Songs appears in the Hamesh Megillot section, which includes some wisdom literature, placing it alongside Ecclesiastes in terms of thematic purpose.

Wisdom Literature as Tools for the Journey

Marty frames the wisdom literature as essential tools God provides for navigating life’s struggles, particularly during periods when God’s people struggle to “walk the path.” Each book serves a distinct purpose:

  • Psalms: We need to sing - songs sustain us through daily struggles
  • Proverbs: We need wisdom - “wise sayings generally true” (WSGT) for practical living
  • Ecclesiastes: We need purpose - understanding meaning in life
  • Song of Songs: We need relationships - celebrating the beauty of intimate connection

This framework positions sexuality not as a peripheral or purely moral issue, but as central to human wholeness and spiritual formation.

The Three Hebrew Words for Love

Understanding romantic love requires distinguishing three Hebrew concepts that work interdependently:

1. Rayah (רַעְיָה)
  • Root connection: Related to “reyakha” (neighbor) from the Shema
  • Meaning: Neighborly or brotherly love; familiarity
  • Romantic context: Poetic infatuation, the electric “can’t stop thinking about you” feeling
  • Characteristics:
    • Emotion-driven
    • “No, you hang up first” conversations
    • The “best friend” dimension of romance
    • Naturally waxes and wanes throughout a relationship
    • Comes and goes even in healthy marriages

Example: The honeymoon phase of dating, when couples spend hours on the phone unable to say goodbye, when everything about the other person seems fascinating and wonderful.

2. Ahava (אַהֲבָה)
  • Biblical usage: The love commanded in “v’ahavta l’reyacha kamokha” (love your neighbor as yourself)
  • Meaning: Commitment love
  • Romantic context: The vow-based love of “till death do us part”
  • Characteristics:
    • Independent of feelings or circumstances
    • “I will be here for you no matter what”
    • Through thick and thin, rich or poor, good times and bad
    • The foundation of marital vows
    • Works both romantically and non-romantically (toward neighbors)

Important note: God commands ahava toward neighbors, not rayah. This indicates commitment love transcends emotion and requires intentional dedication regardless of feelings.

Example: A spouse caring for their partner through chronic illness, financial hardship, or emotional difficulty - remaining faithful when the “spark” isn’t present, choosing presence and commitment over feelings.

3. Dowd (דּוֹד)
  • Alternative meaning: Can mean “uncle” in non-romantic contexts
  • Romantic meaning: Sexual, erotic love
  • Biblical usage: Song of Songs states “Kiss me with the kisses of your mouth for your dowd is sweeter than wine”
  • Characteristics:
    • Physical intimacy and sexual expression
    • Explicitly erotic dimension of relationship
    • Celebrated within Song of Songs
    • Designed for marital context

Example: The physical passion and sexual intimacy between married partners, the embodied expression of desire that Song of Songs describes with vivid, sensual imagery.

The Bonfire Metaphor

Drawing from Rob Bell’s NOOMA video “Flame,” Marty uses fire imagery to illustrate how these loves function:

  • Each love type is like an individual flame
  • Separately, they provide some light and warmth
  • Together, they create a massive bonfire - the thriving marital relationship described in Song of Songs
  • The bonfire can be seen for miles - a powerful, visible, transformative presence

Dysfunction occurs when flames are missing:

  • Dowd + Ahava without Rayah = Committed but passionless marriage
  • Rayah + Ahava without Dowd = Close friendship without physical intimacy
  • Rayah + Dowd without Ahava = Modern hookup culture (destructive and dysfunctional)
Cultural Approaches to Marriage
Ancient Biblical Culture
  • Starting point: Ahava (arranged marriages began with commitment)
  • Progression: Moved into dowd (physical intimacy)
  • Hope/Work toward: Rayah (developing romantic feelings and connection)
  • Challenges: If rayah never developed, marriages could be dysfunctional and destructive
  • Note: Not inherently superior, but had its advantages
Modern Western Culture
  • Starting point: Rayah (dating begins with attraction and chemistry)
  • Testing ground: Determining if chemistry exists before commitment
  • Problem: Often adds dowd before ahava (sex before commitment)
  • Result: High divorce rates, sexual dysfunction, confusion about marriage’s purpose
  • Wedding focus: Celebrations emphasize rayah (beauty, poetry, emotion, photography) rather than ahava (commitment, covenant)
College/Contemporary Dysfunction
  • Pattern: Dowd after brief rayah, with no ahava
  • Characteristics: Sexual activity based on fleeting attraction without commitment
  • Consequences: Emotionally and spiritually destructive
  • Cultural normalization: Treated as acceptable, even expected behavior
The Adolescence Problem

Marty identifies a systemic cultural-theological crisis the church has failed to address:

Historical Pattern
  • For centuries across cultures, marriage occurred around puberty
  • This aligned with biological design and sexual maturation
  • Physical development synchronized with social/relational structures
Modern Western Reality
  • Industrial revolution delayed marriage for economic reasons
  • Educational revolution extended the delay further
  • “Adolescence” as a distinct life stage expanded dramatically
  • Gap between biological sexual maturity and socially appropriate marriage widened significantly
The Church’s Failure
  • Never acknowledged this created a new problem
  • Continued teaching abstinence without addressing the biological/cultural tension
  • Offered only moral codes: “Sex is bad, don’t do it”
  • Failed to provide compelling theological/kingdom reasons for sexual ethics
  • Created psychological dysfunction by framing sex itself as shameful
  • Ignored that humans are biologically designed to function differently than modern culture requires
Marty’s Personal Testimony
  • Acknowledges his own failures in this area during adolescence
  • Carried shame for years due to inadequate teaching
  • Wishes someone had:
    • Acknowledged the difficulty honestly
    • Explained WHY this is challenging (biological + cultural factors)
    • Provided compelling Kingdom of God reasons for sexual ethics
    • Offered more than “here are the rules”
Imperial Idols and Sexuality

Drawing from the previous episode on Chronicles, Marty suggests:

  • Western culture may have prioritized money, progress, and production over human wholeness
  • These “imperial idols” have restructured society in ways that conflict with human sexuality’s design
  • The church adopted these cultural priorities without questioning their impact
  • Sexual dysfunction is partly a consequence of broader systemic values

Examples & Applications

Song of Songs as Explicit Literature

The book contains vivid, sensual descriptions that make readers blush:

  • Garden imagery: “Opening the gate” and “letting her lover into her garden” - transparent sexual metaphors
  • Body descriptions: While culturally specific (“teeth like newly shorn sheep descending upon Mount Gilead”), these descriptions celebrate the beloved’s physical form
  • Direct expressions: The text explicitly discusses various sexual acts without euphemism or shame
  • Cultural recognition: Jewish tradition restricted young boys from reading this book until after bar mitzvah and marital age - everyone understood its sexual nature
Wedding Photography and Rayah Obsession

Modern Western weddings exemplify cultural confusion about love:

  • Focus areas: Beautiful bride, perfect photography, romantic music, elaborate receptions
  • Missing emphasis: The covenant commitment (ahava) that actually defines marriage
  • Cultural message: Marriage is about feeling good, looking beautiful, and creating perfect moments
  • Reality: These elements have their place but aren’t the foundation
  • Problem: Couples prepared for a wedding day dominated by rayah, unprepared for marriage requiring ahava
The Pastor’s Dilemma

Marty describes the professional hazards that prevent healthy sexuality teaching:

  • Pastors lose jobs for saying “the wrong thing” about sexuality
  • The topic is politically and morally charged
  • Fear of consequences prevents honest wrestling with difficult questions
  • This silence perpetuates ignorance and dysfunction
  • Irony: The less we discuss sexuality, the worse our cultural problems become
Parental Sexuality and Cultural Taboos

An example of dysfunctional attitudes:

  • Adolescents react with horror to any mention of their parents’ sexual relationship
  • Culture teaches this response: “I don’t want to hear about that!”
  • Cognitive dissonance: We hope our parents have healthy, whole lives - which should include vibrant sexuality if they’re married
  • Yet we can’t acknowledge or discuss this dimension of their lives
  • This contributes to viewing sexuality as shameful rather than a healthy part of human wholeness
Paul’s Teaching to Corinthians

The Apostle Paul acknowledged the biological reality modern churches ignore:

  • 1 Corinthians guidance: “If their loins burned for one another, they were to get married”
  • Paul recognized sexual desire as natural, not sinful
  • His solution: Don’t fight biology with willpower alone - marry
  • To Timothy: Those who forbid marriage are teaching “doctrines of demons”
  • Paul took sexuality seriously and provided practical, biological-aware counsel
Rob Bell’s Resources

Due to scarcity of healthy sexuality teaching in evangelical contexts:

  • Book recommendation: “Sex God” by Rob Bell - explores humans as sexual beings holistically
  • Video recommendation: NOOMA “Flame” - source of the three loves teaching and bonfire metaphor
  • Context: Rob Bell is “polarizing” but one of few addressing sexuality beyond moralism
  • Challenge: “If you don’t like it, somebody has to do something about that” - who else is teaching this?
The Sixteen-Year-Old Who Needed Honesty

Marty’s personal reflection reveals what was missing from his adolescent formation:

What he received:

  • “Sex is bad, don’t do it”
  • Moral codes and rules
  • Shame when he failed
  • No acknowledgment of the difficulty

What he needed:

  • Honest recognition: “This is actually really hard, and here’s why”
  • Biological explanation: Understanding how bodies are designed
  • Cultural explanation: How modern adolescence creates unique tensions
  • Theological framework: Kingdom of Priests perspective and compelling reasons
  • Kingdom vision: Why Jesus’ way is better, not just “right” according to rules
  • Compassion for the struggle rather than only shame for failure

Potential Areas for Further Exploration

  1. Song of Songs Exegesis: Detailed study of the book’s poetry, structure, and use of metaphor within ancient Near Eastern context. How does understanding Hebrew poetry and wedding traditions enhance interpretation?

  2. Celibacy and Singleness: Deeper exploration of Paul’s teaching on the “gift of celibacy” and how the church can honor and support single people without implying they’re incomplete or less whole.

  3. Kingdom of Priests Framework for Sexuality: What does it mean to be a “kingdom of priests” in the realm of sexuality? How does this theological vision provide motivation beyond rule-keeping?

  4. Cross-Cultural Marriage Practices: Comparative study of marriage customs across cultures and throughout history. What can we learn from arranged marriage cultures? What are the benefits and drawbacks of various systems?

  5. Adolescence as Modern Construct: Historical and sociological study of how adolescence developed as a distinct life stage. What were the economic, educational, and social forces that created this gap?

  6. Healing Sexual Shame: Pastoral and therapeutic approaches to helping people overcome sexual shame internalized through inadequate or harmful teaching. What does restoration look like?

  7. Selflessness in Marital Sexuality: Developing teaching on applying Jesus’ way to the marital bedroom - moving beyond “what’s permitted” to “how do we love sacrificially in physical intimacy?”

  8. Imperial Idols and Modern Life: Deeper examination of how Western values (productivity, economic advancement, education, career) have restructured human development and relationships. What other areas of life are affected?

  9. Wisdom Literature as Holistic Discipleship: How do the five wisdom books work together to form complete disciples? What happens when churches emphasize some tools while neglecting others?

  10. Prophetic Voice on Sexuality: How can the church develop a prophetic, counter-cultural voice on sexuality that differs from both legalism and libertinism? What would a truly biblical sexual ethic look like in practice?

Comprehension Questions

  1. What are the three Hebrew words for love discussed in this episode, and how do they differ from one another? Explain how each functions in a romantic relationship and what happens when one is missing from the equation.

  2. Why does Marty argue that the church has failed to address sexuality adequately? What specific problems does he identify with how Christian communities typically approach this topic?

  3. Describe the difference between ancient biblical culture’s approach to marriage and modern Western culture’s approach. What are the advantages and disadvantages of each system?

  4. What is the “adolescence problem” that Marty identifies? How has the church failed to acknowledge or respond to this cultural shift, and what consequences has this created?

  5. How does Song of Songs fit into the structure of Hebrew scripture and the wisdom literature framework? What “tool” does this book provide for navigating life’s journey?

Summary

Episode 46 tackles the often-avoided topic of sexuality through examining Song of Songs, positioning this explicitly erotic book within the wisdom literature as an essential tool for life’s journey. Marty argues that the Christian church has largely failed to teach healthy sexuality, focusing almost exclusively on moral rules rather than holistic discipleship that integrates physical, spiritual, and relational dimensions of human existence.

The episode’s core teaching centers on three Hebrew words for love that must work together in marriage: rayah (poetic infatuation and chemistry), ahava (covenant commitment regardless of feelings), and dowd (erotic sexual love). Using the metaphor of individual flames combining into a massive bonfire, Marty illustrates how dysfunction occurs when any of these loves is missing from a relationship. Modern hookup culture emphasizes rayah and dowd without ahava, while some marriages maintain ahava and dowd but lose rayah, and still others have rayah and ahava but neglect dowd.

A significant portion of the discussion addresses what Marty calls “the adolescence problem” - the church’s failure to acknowledge that modern Western culture has created an extended gap between biological sexual maturity and socially appropriate marriage. This gap, resulting from industrial and educational revolutions that prioritized economic productivity and advancement, creates sexual tensions that conflict with human biological design. Rather than honestly acknowledging this difficulty and providing compelling theological reasons for sexual ethics, the church has typically offered only shame-based moral codes.

Drawing from personal experience, Marty reflects on how he failed sexually during adolescence and carried shame for years, wishing someone had provided honest acknowledgment of the challenge, biological and cultural explanations for why this is difficult, and a compelling Kingdom of God vision rather than merely rules to follow. He challenges listeners to reclaim biblical teaching on sexuality, recognizing that healthy erotic love within marriage is God-designed, beautiful, and worthy of celebration rather than avoidance.

The episode ultimately calls for the church to move beyond moralistic approaches toward holistic sexuality teaching that recognizes humans as integrated beings whose sexual, spiritual, psychological, and physical dimensions cannot be separated. Song of Songs stands as biblical proof that celebrating sexuality within appropriate context is not only acceptable but essential for wholeness.

Note: This episode references Rob Bell’s book “Sex God” and NOOMA video “Flame” as resources for further study on healthy sexuality from a theological perspective.

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