219: Becky Solomon — Loving the Adventure

BEMA Episode Link: 219: Becky Solomon — Loving the Adventure
Episode Length: 51:57
Published Date: Thu, 13 May 2021 01:00:00 -0700
Session 6
About this episode:

Marty Solomon is joined by his wife, Becky. They talk about what it is like to live their lifestyle, and how that plays out in their marriage and their parenting.

Discussion Video for BEMA 219

Family Culture Project (website)

Family Culture Project (email)

Use code bemalistener for 15% off.

Marty’s Holiday Series — YouTube

Supersessionism — Wikipedia

Cultural Appropriation — Wikipedia

BEMA 25: A Kingdom of What?

The Beast that Crouches at the Door by Rabbi David Fohrman (Amazon)

The Beast that Crouches at the Door by Rabbi David Fohrman (Aleph Beta)

Transcript for BEMA 219

Special Guest: Becky Solomon.

Notes

*Note: The following notes are handwritten by me, Adam, and I reserve the right to be wrong.

BEMA Episode 219: Becky Solomon - Loving the Adventure

Title & Source Summary

Episode: 219 - Becky Solomon: Loving the Adventure Hosts: Marty Solomon and guest co-host Becky Solomon (Marty’s wife) Focus: Marriage, parenting, and Jewish living from a personal perspective

This episode features a special guest interview format where Marty Solomon is joined by his wife, Becky Solomon, for her first appearance on the BEMA podcast after over 200 episodes. The conversation provides an intimate look at their family life, marriage dynamics, parenting philosophy, and their journey into Torah-observant Jewish living. Unlike typical BEMA episodes focused on biblical texts, this episode offers practical insights into how theological understanding translates into daily family life, relationships, and spiritual disciplines.

Key Takeaways

Marriage works best when understood through the Hebrew concept of ezer k’negdo - “the help that opposes” - where spouses complete each other through their differences rather than similarity
Parenting should be dynamic and individualized to each child’s personality and season of life, avoiding the rigid approaches that can exasperate children (Ephesians 6:4)
Living a Torah-observant lifestyle as Jewish believers involves being visibly different while avoiding oppressive legalism, focusing on being set apart (kadosh) as described in Leviticus 20
Family values provide a framework for intentional living that can be taught, recited, and applied to daily decisions
Grace toward oneself is essential during demanding life seasons, particularly for parents of young children who may not have time for extensive spiritual disciplines
The journey into Jewish living should not become a pattern for Gentile believers to imitate, as it relates specifically to Jewish heritage and calling
Different personality types (empaths, feelers, thinkers) bring unique strengths to marriage and family dynamics that should be celebrated rather than forced into conformity

Main Concepts & Theories

The Ezer K’negdo Principle in Marriage

The Hebrew phrase ezer k’negdo from Genesis 2 is traditionally translated as “help meet,” but carries far deeper meaning. The word ezer means “help” or “support,” while k’negdo means “against” or “opposite.” This creates the beautiful paradox of “the help that opposes.”

Marty uses the image of two planks leaning against each other - they oppose each other while simultaneously holding each other up. If one plank is removed, the other falls. This illustrates how marriage partners are designed to complete each other precisely through their differences, not their similarities.

The creation narrative in Genesis presents Adam as “a whole” or “a round” (literal Hebrew). God took part of this wholeness to create woman, meaning neither male nor female alone represents the complete image of God. Only together do they reflect the fullness of humanity created in God’s image. This challenges both patriarchal models where women merely support men, and individualistic models where spouses are complete without each other.

Teshuqah: The Biblical Understanding of Desire in Marriage

The Hebrew word teshuqah appears only three times in the Masoretic text: Genesis 3:16 (woman’s desire for husband), Genesis 4:7 (sin’s desire for Cain), and Song of Songs (mutual desire between lovers). Rabbinic midrash identifies four teshuqahs:

Rain’s teshuqah for the earth
God’s teshuqah for His people
Wife’s teshuqah for her husband
Evil desire’s teshuqah for Cain

The rabbis intentionally reverse expected relationships (rain desiring earth rather than earth desiring rain; God desiring people rather than people desiring God) to teach that teshuqah is not about want or lack, but about purpose and design. Rain exists to water the earth - that’s its nature. God’s nature is to bless His people. Woman’s design is to complete her husband through opposition and support.

This reframes Genesis 3:16 not as punishment but as description of woman’s created purpose - to complete the man from whom she was separated. It also shows how desire itself is good when properly oriented but destructive when misdirected.

Kadosh: Being Set Apart Through Torah Observance

Leviticus 20:22-26 reveals God’s purpose for kosher laws, clean/unclean distinctions, and behavioral commandments. These were not given for health benefits or arbitrary obedience tests, but specifically “to set you apart from the nations to be my own.” The Hebrew word kadosh means “holy,” but fundamentally means “different,” “separate,” or “set apart.”

For the Solomon family, Torah observance serves this purpose of being visibly different while maintaining accessibility to the evangelical community where they feel called. The tension point Marty identifies came when their daughter Abigail said, “Dad, I don’t want to be different.” This became their boundary - they wanted to live in that tension without making observance so restrictive it became oppressive.

Key distinctions in their approach:

Wearing tzitzit (tassels) and kippah in public
Observing Sabbath on Saturday as family rest
Keeping kosher food laws and avoiding blended fabric clothing
Celebrating biblical festivals while reimagining cultural holidays like Christmas
Teaching children the meaning behind differences rather than rules for rules’ sake

Importantly, Marty emphasizes this path is specifically for those with Jewish heritage living in covenant relationship with God through Jesus. It is not a model for Gentile believers to adopt, which would constitute cultural appropriation and supersessionism.

Dynamic vs. Static Parenting

The Solomon family rejects one-size-fits-all parenting approaches in favor of dynamic, individualized methods tailored to each child’s personality, developmental stage, and needs. Their two children (Abigail, 12, and Ezekiel) are parented differently because they are different people.

Ephesians 6:4 warns fathers not to “exasperate” their children but to “bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” Marty sees this as a critical warning against rigid religious methodology that associates Jesus with burdensome rules about music, media, behavior, and countless “don’ts.”

The danger: children raised in rigidly religious homes may come to resent Jesus because faith becomes synonymous with exhausting compliance. The goal: children who hear Jesus’ name and respond with desire for more, not with weariness.

Practical applications include:

Adjusting expectations based on children’s ages (giving grace during demanding toddler years)
Teaching children to observe parents’ spiritual practices rather than forcing premature participation
Building toward success rather than demanding perfection
Allowing seasons where spiritual disciplines are minimal without guilt
Using family values as a framework for decisions rather than detailed rule lists

The Two Types of Empaths

Becky learned from her daughter’s online character class that empaths fall into two categories:

Feeling Empaths (Becky’s type): Those who deeply feel whatever others are feeling and can sit with people in their pain, joy, or struggle. They provide presence but may not offer guidance for next steps. These are often found in roles requiring emotional support and accompaniment.
Guiding Empaths: Those who can empathize with others’ emotions and also help them navigate toward solutions and next steps. These often become therapists or counselors.

Understanding these differences helps both in self-awareness and in marriage. Becky knows she provides emotional presence while Marty (an “overextended thinker” on Myers-Briggs) approaches situations analytically. Their opposite approaches complete each other.

Family Culture and Values Framework

The Solomon family participated in The Family Culture Project by Mary Jean and Jeremy Inman, which helped them construct explicit family values displayed on posters and recited before dinner. Their five values:

We Worship - Through being loving, generous, kind; through prayer, Bible reading, Sabbath, and self-care
We Bring Hope - Through caring, hospitality, having more than we spend, using money for good
We Create Memories - Through traveling together, enjoying hobbies, trying new things, having fun
We Go All In - Through lifelong learning, intentional living, commitment to each other
We Are Individuals - Recognizing each family member is unique while still united

This framework allows the family to make decisions cohesively (“How does this align with our values?”) while teaching children why the family operates as it does. It creates intentionality without rigidity.

Examples & Applications

Clothing Transition During Torah Adoption

When the Solomons committed to Torah observance, they discovered Leviticus forbids wearing clothing made of blended fabrics. This seemed simple until they realized women’s clothing almost universally contains 1-3% spandex for fit and comfort. Becky had to purge two-thirds of her closet while Marty’s 100% cotton jeans and men’s clothing remained largely unaffected.

This illustrates how Torah observance impacts daily life in unexpected ways. It also shows the learning curve - they didn’t know this would be challenging until they began. Over time, friends who learned their story began leaving bags of 100% fabric clothing on their doorstep, turning a hardship into community blessing.

The harder lesson: Becky describes this as the most difficult aspect of the transition, even calling it “rough.” However, she also says now she feels fulfilled by the practice and wouldn’t want to return to the old way. The initial difficulty gave way to meaningful difference.

Christmas Tree Decision

Growing up with traditional Christmas celebrations, removing the Christmas tree was emotionally difficult for Becky the first year. The tree represented family memories, childhood joy, and cultural participation. Yet the family made an intentional choice to “go all in” on Christmas in a different way - focusing on different aspects of the season without the tree.

This demonstrates the “living life intentionally” value. Rather than mindlessly continuing cultural traditions or reactively rejecting everything, they thoughtfully decided how to engage the season. Becky now reports she doesn’t want the tree back - the new approach feels right for their family.

Marty emphasizes this is not prescriptive for others. He plans YouTube videos explaining their holiday decisions while making clear these are family choices, not moral requirements.

Sabbath and the Lawnmower

Young Abigail noticed a neighbor mowing the lawn on Saturday and asked, “Why is he working on Saturday?” This moment revealed both success and danger in teaching children to be different. Success: Abigail understood Saturday as Sabbath rest. Danger: she might become judgmental or feel superior to those who live differently.

The teaching opportunity became about explaining that Sabbath is the Solomon family’s practice, not a universal rule to judge others by. This models being visibly different while remaining humble and accessible.

Abigail’s “I Don’t Want to Be Different”

This pivotal moment defined the boundaries of the family’s Torah observance. When their daughter expressed discomfort with being different from peers, Marty recognized they had reached the appropriate level of distinctiveness. They didn’t want to push further into more restrictive or isolating practices.

The goal became living in that tension - different enough to be kadosh (set apart) but not so different as to be oppressive or alienating. As Abigail matured, they’ve been able to grow in observance together, but her childhood expression of tension became the guardrail.

Parenting Through Life Seasons

When the Solomon children were toddlers, Becky had minimal time for personal spiritual disciplines. She felt guilty about not maintaining prayer times, Bible reading, or other practices expected of believers. Marty helped her recognize she was in a demanding season requiring grace, not guilt.

Years later, with children more independent, Becky now maintains regular morning prayer and other disciplines. The lesson: parenting and spiritual life are both dynamic. What’s impossible in one season becomes natural in another. Demanding perfection in every season leads to burnout and resentment.

This directly applies Ephesians 6:4 - not exasperating oneself or one’s children by imposing standards inappropriate for the current life stage.

Supporting Marriage Roles Without Gender Prescriptivism

Becky has always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. She told Marty while dating this was her dream. She also worked as an in-home childcare provider for nearly 10 years because she loves babies. This appears to fit traditional complementarian gender roles.

However, the Solomons are committed egalitarians. They don’t teach their daughter that women should stay home or that men should lead. They support friends where women work and men are stay-at-home parents. Becky’s role preferences are about her personality and desires, not theological gender mandates.

This shows how theological conviction (egalitarianism) and practical living (traditional-appearing roles) aren’t contradictory when based on individual calling rather than imposed categories.

Anxiety Support and Ezer K’negdo

Marty describes how Becky’s presence calms his anxiety. He asks her to accompany him in stressful situations specifically because she helps stabilize him. This illustrates ezer k’negdo practically - she supports him by being different from him. As a feeler and empath married to an “overextended thinker,” her opposite nature provides what he lacks.

If she were identical to Marty, she couldn’t provide this balancing support. The opposition (different personality, different processing, different approach) is precisely what makes the support effective.

Family Values in Decision Making

The Solomon family recites their family values before dinner each night. This regular repetition makes the values accessible for decision-making. When choices arise - how to spend money, whether to pursue an opportunity, how to use vacation time - the family can reference their shared values.

For example, “We bring hope” means maintaining financial margin to help others, which influences budgeting. “We create memories” justifies travel expenses and trying new experiences. “We are individuals” allows each family member to pursue different hobbies and interests without pressure to conform.

This transforms abstract ideals into concrete decision-making criteria, providing structure without legalism.

Potential Areas for Further Exploration

Marriage Communication Patterns

Becky mentions that after 17 years, she and Marty still struggle with communication but are “getting better.” Future episodes could explore specific communication challenges between thinking and feeling personalities, how opposites learn to understand each other’s language, and practical tools for bridging different processing styles.

Jewish Living and Gentile Believers

Marty strongly warns against Gentile believers adopting Torah observance and mentions concerns about supersessionism and cultural appropriation. A dedicated episode could explore:

The theological distinction between Jewish and Gentile callings in the New Testament
How Galatians addresses this question
The difference between learning from Jewish roots and appropriating Jewish practice
What “Messianic Judaism” means and doesn’t mean
How Gentile believers can honor Jewish heritage without crossing into appropriation

Holiday Reimagining

Marty plans YouTube content on how the family engages cultural holidays. Topics could include:

Biblical festivals (Passover, Sukkot, etc.) and how they celebrate them
How they approach Christmas without a tree
What “going all in” on holidays means practically
Teaching children about cultural traditions without participating in all of them
The difference between rejecting holidays for purity and reimagining them for intentionality

Parenting Through Different Developmental Stages

The episode touches on toddler years versus pre-teen years. Future discussions could explore:

Specific discipline approaches for different ages
How spiritual teaching evolves as children mature
Navigating the teen years with Torah-observant practices
Preparing children to make their own faith decisions
Different strategies for different children’s personalities (Abigail vs. Ezekiel)

Enneagram and Family Dynamics

Marty is an Enneagram 8, Becky is a 9. Their children have different numbers as well (Ezekiel is an achiever, Abigail is a person of character). Exploring how understanding Enneagram types affects:

Conflict resolution in marriage
Tailoring parenting to each child
Avoiding projection of parents’ personalities onto children
Recognizing healthy and unhealthy patterns in each type
Using personality frameworks wisely without making them prescriptive

The Danger of Religious Rigidity

Marty passionately warns against exasperating children through rigid religious methodology. This deserves deeper exploration:

Case studies from specific Christian movements that raised rigid second generations
How children can come to resent Jesus when faith equals endless rules
The difference between structure and rigidity
Teaching faith as relationship versus religion as compliance
Warning signs that parenting has become exasperating
Recovery for those raised in exasperating religious environments

Egalitarianism vs. Complementarianism

The Solomons briefly distinguish their egalitarian theology from their traditional-appearing practice. Worth exploring:

Biblical basis for egalitarian marriage
How to honor different callings without imposing gender roles
Raising daughters and sons with equal agency and opportunity
Historical and cultural contexts of complementarian interpretations
Practical egalitarianism in church leadership and family decisions

The Teshuqah Concept in Depth

The three (or four) teshuqahs deserve fuller treatment:

Detailed word study of teshuqah in Hebrew
How rabbinic midrash develops beyond the text
Application to understanding Genesis 3:16 after the fall
Connection to Song of Songs’ celebration of mutual desire
How this reframes “curse” passages as purpose passages
Healthy versus unhealthy expressions of marital desire

Sabbath Practice for Modern Families

The Solomons observe Saturday Sabbath. Topics could include:

What activities constitute rest versus work
How to teach children Sabbath without legalism
Sabbath boundaries in work-from-home situations
Technology and Sabbath in the digital age
Community Sabbath when your community doesn’t observe
The difference between Sabbath day and Sabbath mindset

Individualized Spiritual Disciplines

Becky’s journey from guilt during toddler years to consistent practice now could expand into:

Giving permission to skip disciplines in demanding seasons
How to maintain spiritual life with young children
Different disciplines for different personalities (reading for thinkers, contemplation for feelers)
Couples with different discipline styles
Teaching children disciplines appropriate to their age
Avoiding spiritual comparison and competition

Comprehension Questions

How does the Hebrew concept of ezer k’negdo challenge both traditional patriarchal and modern individualistic understandings of marriage? In what ways does the image of two planks leaning against each other illustrate the complementary nature of marital partnership?
According to Leviticus 20:22-26, what is God’s primary purpose for giving Israel kosher laws and purity regulations? How does the Solomon family apply the principle of being kadosh (set apart) while avoiding oppressive legalism, and what boundary did they identify when their daughter expressed discomfort with being different?
Explain the rabbinic teaching about the four teshuqahs and how this understanding reframes the meaning of “desire” in Genesis 3:16. How does this differ from translating teshuqah as simple want or longing?
What does Ephesians 6:4 warn against in parenting, and how do the Solomons apply this principle to avoid exasperating their children? Why does Marty emphasize the danger of associating Jesus with rigid religious methodology in raising children?
Why does Marty strongly caution against Gentile believers adopting Torah-observant lifestyles? What concerns does he raise about supersessionism and cultural appropriation, and how does his Jewish heritage inform his family’s specific calling that differs from the calling of Gentile believers?

Summary

BEMA Episode 219 offers a refreshingly personal glimpse into how theological conviction translates into daily family life through the experiences of Marty and Becky Solomon. Rather than presenting abstract principles, the episode grounds biblical concepts in practical realities of marriage, parenting, and faith practice.

The core themes revolve around embracing difference rather than forcing uniformity. In marriage, the Hebrew ezer k’negdo concept reveals that spouses complete each other precisely through their opposites - Becky the empathetic feeler perfectly complements Marty the analytical thinker, not despite their differences but because of them. The teshuqah teaching further illustrates that a wife’s desire for her husband reflects her created design to complete him, just as rain’s “desire” for earth reflects its nature to water and nourish.

In parenting, this same principle applies: each child requires individualized approaches based on personality and developmental season. The warning against exasperating children (Ephesians 6:4) becomes a guardrail against rigid religious methodology that can cause children to resent Jesus rather than desire more of Him. The Solomons prioritize grace over guilt, especially during demanding life seasons like the toddler years when extensive spiritual disciplines may be impossible.

The family’s journey into Torah-observant living as Jews in covenant with Jesus demonstrates what being kadosh (set apart) looks like practically - visible difference through tzitzit, Sabbath observance, kosher living, and festival celebration, while maintaining warmth and accessibility within their evangelical community. Crucially, Marty emphasizes this path relates specifically to Jewish heritage and is not a model for Gentile believers to imitate, warning against supersessionism and cultural appropriation.

Throughout, the episode models intentionality without legalism. The Family Culture Project gave the Solomons a framework to articulate shared values, make cohesive decisions, and teach their children why the family operates as it does. Whether removing the Christmas tree, purging blended-fabric clothing, or deciding when to push forward versus when to give themselves grace, the family approaches each decision thoughtfully rather than defaulting to cultural norms or religious rules.

Perhaps most powerfully, the episode demonstrates that faithful living is dynamic, not static. What worked in one season changes in the next. What suits one family member may not suit another. The goal is not conformity to an external standard but alignment with God’s specific calling for each individual and family, stewarding that calling with wisdom, humility, and joy in the adventure of faith.

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S6 219: Becky Solomon — Loving the Adventure

Finding a New Way to Live [51:57]